00:00 

Hey there, this is Tanya Hale with Intentional Living and this is episode number 15, "Forgiveness and Trust." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well hey, hey, hey, welcome back. This is Tanya. So glad to have you with me today. We are going to be talking today about forgiveness and trust. This for me is such an important topic because I realized near the end stages of my divorce process that I did not understand that these were two different things. For most of my life I thought that they went together. You know that whole idea of forgive and forget. And I think I'd heard that so much and I thought that if I forgave someone that that also meant that I completely forgot that it existed and I put them right back into the same place of trust that they had previously occupied. 

01:04 

And as I looked back on situations in my marriage I realized that there were things that had happened that caused a lack of trust and in my striving to be all kind and Christlike and forgiving I forgave but also did not back off to protect myself from the lack of trust that was there. And so the bad behavior just continued to happen because there were no repercussions for that. There was no loss of relationship there, at least on the surface. Underneath obviously there was a lot of loss and a lot of resentment that was going on. But this was a huge aha for me that forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. They don't go together like peanut butter and jelly. So we're going to talk about this today and we're going to start with forgiveness. 

01:53 

Now first of all, I think there are a lot of misunderstandings about forgiveness. Forgiveness, first of all, has nothing to do with telling someone something. It has nothing to do with accepting an apology. It has nothing to do with letting someone know that what they did or didn't do was okay. And you may be going, "wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's a huge part of forgiveness." No, it actually isn't. Let's talk about why. 

02:21 

When I looked up definition, when I said, "hey Siri, what's the definition of 'to forgive?'" Siri told me, and we all know that Siri knows everything, that it means "to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake." Nowhere in there does it say that the other person has to apologize. Nowhere in that definition does it say the other person has to even be aware that they did something that was offensive. It has everything to do with me, that I choose to stop feeling anger or resentment towards someone for an offense, a flaw, or a mistake. It has nothing to do with the other person changing their behavior. It has nothing to do with the other person asking for our forgiveness. Because forgiveness is not talking to the other person. It's not sitting down with them and explaining why I'm hurt. It's not trying to clear the air. Forgiveness is just choosing to be in control of the feelings in my own heart. And I get to choose those feelings. 

03:31 

How? Do you got it yet? As we go through this model, my feelings come from my thoughts. So I get to choose the feelings in my heart based on what I am choosing to think. Again, all of this comes down to my thoughts. And you know what? The thing that I love is that I have control over this. But sometimes they happen really, really fast. There's a quote from Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who was in the concentration camps in World War II. And I love this definition that he gives. He says, between "stimulus and response, there is a space." So between the circumstance that happens and my response or my emotional response, there's a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. That's the thought. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. 

04:29 

So let me just read that without my commentary in it. He says, "between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that  space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." If you haven't read Viktor Frankl's book, that is a must read. Great, great book. But here we go. He's saying the same thing. There's a circumstance that happens. And before we respond to that with a feeling, we have a feeling. a choice. We have a choice of what to think. And this is where forgiveness starts. 

05:05 

So here's a question. When do I need to forgive somebody? Basically, I only need to forgive somebody when I need or when I want to stop feeling resentful or anger in my heart. Other than that, I don't need to forgive. If I am happy feeling angry and resentful, I have no reason to forgive. But if I'm tired of those feelings controlling me, if I'm tired of those feelings overtaking my life, then I need to choose to forgive. Because I get these feelings of anger and resentment from not forgiving and from thinking negative thoughts over and over and over about the circumstance. 

05:53 

This is the thing: the other person does not feel my anger or my resentfulness. The only they only experience the actions that are caused by my emotions or my feelings and then they can choose to interpret my actions. However, my actions may not even hurt them at all. Maybe I'm giving them the silent treatment because I'm hurt and angry and and feeling resentful and they may just think in their head "Wow. She seems to be having a bad day. I'll give her some space." My actions may not even hurt them at all. They may not even clue in to the fact that I am giving them the silent treatment, right? And so this anger and this resentment that I feel from not forgiving is entirely felt by me and the only thing I have to do is I need to stop. I need to choose to stop feeling angry and resentful, because the only one and I'm punishing is myself. 

06:54 

And we all have this idea that "well, they don't deserve my forgiveness." Well, no, but I deserve my forgiveness. I deserve to feel peaceful and calm. I don't deserve to feel all of this anger and resentment. So my not forgiving is not serving me. I am hurting because of the anger and the emotion and the resentment that I have. I may even be feeling revenge. Those are not healthy things to be feeling. So do I forgive? Only if I want to change the way I feel, only if I no longer want to feel that anger and resentment that I'm feeling. Because again, why do I feel that anger resentment? Not because of what the person did. But rather because of my thoughts about what they did. 

07:47 

Remember the circumstance, the first line of the model, is what the person did and I choose my thoughts around that behavior. The t-line, the thought line, protects our feelings line from the circumstances line. It's almost like a buffer in between there. Just as Viktor Frankl was saying, we have the circumstance, right? We have the stimulus, and then our responses is our feeling, and in that space is my power to choose my response, okay? And that's where we have the circumstance. I choose my thoughts, and then I have my feelings. And so I can choose not to have hurt feelings or angry feelings or resentful feelings by the thoughts that I choose to put in there. 

08:37 

Most of us make the circumstances worse by thinking harmful or hurtful thoughts. But we don't have to choose that. We can choose what we want. Because why do I feel anger or resentment or hurt? Because of my thoughts. So again, how do I forgive someone? It's all me. It's my changing my thoughts. That person does not need to feel bad. They do not need to apologize. They don't need to buy me flowers. They don't have to do anything. I have to choose to change my thoughts because my forgiving helps me to feel good. It doesn't help them to feel good. They may be completely unaware that any of this is going on, but my forgiving is for me. 

09:23 

It's just like when we talk about unconditional love. When I choose not to love, I'm the one who's choosing not to have those amazing feelings of love. When I choose not to forgive, I'm the one choosing anger and resentment rather than feelings of happiness and peace and contentment. It makes me feel bad. It doesn't make them feel bad. I'm the one who has the feelings. And again, it's not my job to punish people. My feelings don't punish them anyway. But not forgiving puts ourselves in victim mode. I'm a victim of my circumstances when I can't control what's happening to me. My thoughts that I think or the feelings that I feel or the actions I engage in, ultimately then my whole life is out of control and none of it's my fault, right? It's all because of this circumstance that this other person created. Well, okay, that's ridiculous. Circumstances are just circumstances. How I choose to think about them then controls how I feel, which then controls my actions and ultimately controls my whole life. 

10:32 

So it all starts with the thoughts that I choose to feel. But we have to start with the thought. If I start with the behavior, it's not going to work. So if I still have angry feelings towards somebody, but I'm treating them nicely, I have not forgiven them because I don't stop feeling anger or resentment. And that's the definition of forgiving. Alright, so it's not just a behavior thing. Anytime I start on the action line, I'm not gonna get anywhere. I can't start on the action line. I have to go back two steps and start on the thought line with how I think about it. 

11:14 

But I don't want to lie and say I've forgiven when I still feel angry. At some point we have to learn to start being honest with our thoughts and with our emotions so then can I forgive somebody and not speak to them again. Yes, definitely for sure I can. And that's all about setting boundaries. If I've forgiven them and I don't want to speak to them again, that's okay there's nothing wrong with that as long as I truly forgive and I change my thoughts and I change my feelings so that I'm no longer feeling anger and resentment. It's okay if I don't want to speak to them again because forgiving is not condoning their behavior, forgiving is taking care of my heart. Other people behave the way they behave, and we have no control over them. And they may behave in very hurtful ways, but I choose whether or not to be hurt by what I choose to think. 

12:12 

And again, I can be in a good place with my feelings and decide that I don't want to interact with this person anymore, or I want to limit my interactions, or limit our relationship in some way. And my reason for that can be as simple as I don't want to. I don't feel safe around this person. I do not have to explain myself to anyone for any reason. I can just say I don't want to. And that's the beginning of setting boundaries around trust. 

12:39 

So this is what it kind of comes down to. Forgiveness and trust become two separate thought models. The same circumstance may fuel both of them, but the results are going to be very different. And we can definitely have two different thoughts about the same circumstance. So when we have these difficult situations, we create two different thought models. The change in model would start with our thought about forgiving or our thoughts about trust. I can still be kind and forgiving and reap the benefits of peace that come from forgiveness, but forgiving doesn't mean I have to put this person back into my life where they were before. 

13:19 

And this is where trust is something altogether different than forgiveness. Trust is where boundaries come in. And this is where we take a cue that their behavior is an indicator as to whether or not they are trustworthy. So for example, if a spouse commits adultery or gets involved intimately with another person, forgiveness can come pretty quickly. I can change my thoughts about that very quickly and I can forgive them. Alright. But trust can take years to build back. And again, and it's only gonna come back if that person is continually working on trusting behaviors with us. 

14:06 

Stephen Covey in Seven Habits of Highly Successful People talks about this as a relationship bank account. And he talks about behaviors are either adding value to our relationship bank account or they're subtracting. Everything is a deposit or a withdrawal. And when I see someone being dishonest time and time again, that's a continual withdrawal from that relationship bank account. I can forgive them by choosing my thoughts. But with that, I can also choose whether or not to trust them as that relationship bank account gets lower and lower and lower. My trust becomes lower and lower and lower. But I can still forgive. I can forgive and have very, very low trust. because forgiveness has to do with the feelings in my heart about that person. Trust has to do with how much access I give them into my life. 

15:07 

So we're working with two different thought models here off of one circumstance. So forgiveness takes the dishonest circumstance and the thought could be they're doing the best they can under the circumstances with the tools they have. This would then lead to feelings of compassion and forgiveness, which then would soften my behavior or my actions toward them and this would lead to a more peaceful and content result in my life, right? But trust is going to take the same circumstance, the same dishonest circumstance, and the thought would be something like "this behavior is harmful to me." This leads to feelings of caution and our actions follow because we become more protective with information we give and also wary of information we believe. The end results are that boundaries are there that protect us from being in a similar compromising situation in the future. 

16:02 

And here's where we're having a separate model for trust is so vital. I can choose to continue to put myself in situations where they will act in hurtful ways and I have to continue to revisit my thoughts about being forgiving. Or I can choose to not put myself in situations where I have to continue to revisit my thoughts about forgiving and continually be protecting or saving myself. And that starts with a thought. If I continue to trust a person who is not trustworthy, I'm going to have to revisit that forgiveness over and over and over again because I'm going to allow that same situation to keep occurring where I have to revisit that forgiveness. But if I can forgive them up front and then put boundaries in place that protect me from those similar situations then I don't have to keep forgiving over and over again. 

16:54 

And there's actually no conflict between having two models with one situation. We can feel compassionate and forgiving towards someone while still feeling cautious about how much we allow them to influence our lives. If we want the contentment that we talked about last time, we have to learn to accept responsibility for our own feelings and we have to stop blaming others. Also we need to place our trust in people who are trustworthy. I have to start choosing thoughts that bring me contentment rather than anger and resentment and forgiveness brings me those feelings as well as well-placed trust also brings me those feelings. 

17:38 

So forgive away. It's so good for the soul and it brings us to a wonderful place in our lives. It's what we can control, but well placed trust does the same thing. It brings us into a wonderful place in our lives. And forgiving someone does not mean that we automatically trust them. Forgiving someone means we protect our peace and our contentment. Not trusting someone means we protect our wellbeing. We forgive because of our own personal worth, and we trust based on the other person's actions. Forgiveness is something we give freely, and trust is something that is earned. 

18:27 

I love growing up, don't you? I love figuring this stuff out. That just puts me in a healthier place emotionally, and helps me have better, stronger, more intimate relationships with people in my life. I love this process of growing up. I'm so grateful to be where I am, and I'm grateful that you're joining me here on this journey. So if you feel it's time to step up and start finding a better place in your life, you can contact me at tanyahale.com and book a free 20 minute coaching session to get you started. I would love to help you have healthier, happy relationships with those people who are most important to you. 

19:04 

So if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, please subscribe, please share, and please leave a review. And will you please, please, have a really, really terrific day. I'll talk to you next time, see ya. 

19:18 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.