00:00 

This is Tanya Hale with Intentional Living and this is episode number 14, "Nice and Kind." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well hey there, everybody, this is Tanya and I am so happy to be here with you today. And first of all I just want to thank you for your support with this. I know that I'm still kind of new in the podcast world but I have been receiving some great support. I appreciate those of you who are taking the time to listen and to share this podcast with those people around you, because I just feel like so much of this stuff is important. I lived my life for so many years not understanding basic emotional intelligence and understanding what needed to happen. Since I've started to figure this out my whole life has changed and I'm just such a happier person and I want to share that with everybody and that's part of part of what I'm doing here is sharing that. So thank you for being a part of my growth and I hope that this is is a great place of growth for you as well. 

01:13 

So today we are going to talk about the difference between being nice and being kind. I think very often in our society those two words are used interchangeably, and yet more and more I'm seeing them used separately and to talk about different things. So I want to talk to you today about the differences between nice and kind. One is better than the other and we're going to talk about why. 

01:42 

So here. Nice and kind are going to be creating some very different outcomes in our lives. Now most of us have been taught to be nice. From the time we were young we grew up preparing things like "well, you just need to play nice, you need to be nice, that wasn't very nice, say something nice to your sister," or something along along those lines. However, nice is a very loaded word because it's loaded with all sorts of shame and lack of boundaries and let's talk about why. 

02:12 

Brene Brown, if you have not interacted with any of her works, she is a shame researcher and she studies stuff like vulnerability and fear and through that process really some great information about how to live emotionally healthy lives. Love Brene Brown. So check her out if you have not. She's got a couple of TED talks, one that has gone completely viral and she's got some brilliant research on these things. But looking at what she says, Brene Brown defines shame as the feeling that "I am bad."So the thought that inherently there is something wrong with me. When I make a mistake it's not that I did something wrong, it's that I am bad. I am the reason that these things are happening. 

03:01 

So when we feel shame one response that we can have to that is that we begin to seek the approval and the acceptance of other people. We become a people pleaser. We're trying to do something that makes us feel worthy because we don't and being nice is a great temporary fix for that feeling of unworthiness. It can make us feel as though we are serving others, maybe we're making the world a better place by decreasing contention, we're being the bigger person, or we're seeking other people's approval. 

03:35 

In Cloud and Townsend's book "Boundaries" they say that making decisions based on others approval or on guilt breeds resentment. We have been so trained by others on what we should do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion. Isn't that fascinating? This concept of being nice means that we're doing the right thing for the wrong reason, or maybe not even the right thing but we're thinking that it's the right thing. We're doing what we think is loving and we're doing it out of a place of thinking that we're being loving when actually we're doing it out of place of compulsion. But all this does is set us up for failure in the future because when we act out of a sense of shame we begin to corrode our self respect even more. and we end up in this downward spiral of shame and less self-respect and then even more shame and  less self-respect and so we need to start learning to turn that spiral the other direction so that our self-respect can be growing and we feel less and less shame as time goes on nice can mean that we try not to hurt anyone's feelings but often we do that at our own expense nice can also mean that we allow boundaries to be crossed nice means we put our own needs after the needs of others almost always It also means we think of other people before ourselves all the time. 

05:07 

Nice also means that we are unwilling to cause short-term hurt, even if it would solve problems in the long run. But most of us have never been taught that. We were just taught that it's so important to be nice, and so we try to say nice things, we try to do nice things, we try to put other people first, because that's the Christlike thing to do, right? That is the way that we just become really good people. But the piece that so many women, especially in our culture, are missing is that being nice is nice right now, but it causes problems in the future. 

05:47 

And this is where being nice also doesn't have very many boundaries. I know as I was growing up I felt the pressure not to rock the boat, and I've thought back and thought back because I'm not sure where I learned this, especially because my mother was always willing to rock the boat. But I wasn't so much, I wasn't willing to rock the boat. And I thought a lot about my mom and I think that maybe it's because I saw some of the backlash that she received from speaking her mind. I think especially back in the 70s and the 80s when I was a child growing up at home. And I wanted to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of having people talk about me and think that I wasn't nice. Because being nice was something I really wanted to be for whatever reason. I sought a lot of perfectionism because I wanted to avoid the feelings of judgment or blame or shame. 

06:40 

I was never very good at sitting with the uncomfortable feelings, especially when I felt that people were disappointed in me. And who doesn't? I mean, we all want to be seen as a team player at some level and especially women. And this is why we're often so nice at our own expense. Research even says that women who are not seen as team players are not respected and they're not heard. And if a woman who is aggressive about accomplishing her goals is not seen as a team player, she is generally not accepted by her peers and she will sacrifice promotions at work and that sort of thing. And I think that this is an understanding that has been subconsciously planted in our brains and we know that to succeed, we have to be a team player. 

07:30 

And I think for many of us also having grown up in the 70s or the 80s, this was very much a part of our culture that women sat in the back seat and just did things to serve and to bless for other people. And so for most of us, that idea was translated into being nice. But being nice is not where it's at if we want healthy relationships and if we want a strong sense of self respect. Being nice may smooth things over in the short term but it wreaks havoc in the long term. 

08:03 

So instead of being nice I would like us to start focusing more on being kind. Let's talk about what that means. Kind means that I'm aware of other people and their needs but I will behave in a way that produces the best long term results. Kindness also means that I won't sacrifice my self-respect for another person just because they have an emergency. But I can do that and still be respectful in how I respond to them. Kindness means that I will set appropriate boundaries of how I want to be treated but, again, I will be respectful in how I set the boundary. Kindness also means that I will be aware of my own needs and make sure I'm in a good place before I take on the needs of others. But in the process again I will be aware and compassionate toward the other person. 

08:53 

At its essence, kindness means I'm respectful of other people, and I seek to serve and bless the lives of other people, but not at the expense of my or their well-being. Kindness means I will not allow my children to speak to me disrespectfully, because not only is that what's best for me, but it's also what's best for them. Because I want them to understand that treating people with disrespect is not acceptable. Kindness means that I value the relationship enough to set appropriate boundaries, because I know that doing so now will open my heart for more love and compassion in the future. Boundaries now keep resentfulness at bay, and it protects the relationship. And if I really value the relationship, I have to protect it. 

09:43 

Cloud and Townsend in their book "Boundaries" talk about the difference between hurt and harm. So we may cause short term hurt when we are kind, because we are willing to set boundaries, or we are willing to say no, or we're willing to walk  away, but we will not cause long-term harm. Ultimately, we're protecting the relationship when we choose to be kind, instead of nice. 

10:05 

We're creating healthy relationships by establishing healthy boundaries. So if I continue to allow my daughter to speak to me disrespectfully, because I'm trying to be nice, ultimately, I'm teaching her that it's okay to speak to other people that way as well, whether they're adults or not. So when that child goes to school, she will speak to her teachers and the administrators disrespectfully, because it's always been okay in the past. And I'll tell you what, as a middle school teacher, I get a lot of that, a lot of disrespectful kids who just don't even have a clue that they're being disrespectful, and that breaks my heart for them. 

10:47 

So if I allow my daughter to do that, she'll start speaking to her peers disrespectfully, because she's not understood that it's not okay. She'll treat waiters and cashiers and bus drivers, everybody she comes in contact with, she'll treat them with disrespect because she's never learned that it's not okay to treat people with disrespect. So by not calling her out on her behavior when she's treating me with disrespect, I may think I'm doing what's right by not rocking the boat and causing family contention, but ultimately I'm setting her up for some pretty difficult situations in the future. 

11:24 

By avoiding the short-term hurt, I'm causing her long-term harm. By being nice instead of kind, I am sacrificing her success in life and I'm sacrificing a healthy relationship with her. But if I'm willing to cause short-term hurt by calling her out on her disrespect and being consistent with her, I may think I'm doing what's right with that calling out and with the consequences. In the long run, I'm protecting her from harm. I'm helping to set her up for success because she will be learning the skill of respect that will help her to work well with others. 

11:59 

By teaching her that treating others with disrespect is not appropriate, she will learn to interact with her teachers and her administrators respectfully. She'll interact with peers respectfully and she will gain their respect in return. She will treat waiters and cashiers and bus drivers and everyone else she comes in contact with with respect and she will become a person who is a builder and not a wrecker in this world. She will strengthen and bless others lives because she's learned to be kind. She'll have a positive impact in this world and will become a leader, someone who can influence others for good and then she will turn around and have a better understanding of what it means to be kind instead of nice and she will treat others in the same healthy ways. She will understand the importance of setting clear boundaries because she will have seen it modeled in you. 

12:56 

As a coach, I work really hard at not being nice but I work even harder at being kind. One of my clients I've had to be particularly kind to and sometimes she just really needs to hear it straight up but because she knows that I love her and I have her best long-term interest in mind. She just keeps coming back for more because though some of the things we talk about sting a little bit or even a lot bit, she says they're the kick that she needs to be able to go inside of herself and get some tough work done and I love that I can be that for her. I love that I can be a person who is helping her to find herself and to find her voice. 

13:45 

So people may initially bristle when were kind instead of nice. There's times with this client that I say what needs to be said and I can tell that it's it's stinging and I can see a little bit of a bristle, but when she realizes that it comes from a place of love she starts to warm up. And it's never caused long-term harm in our relationship although sometimes there's a little bit of short-term hurt. And the thing is those people that don't warm up are the people who were really benefiting from us backing down or letting them get away with unacceptable behavior, because it's hard for them when they stop getting what they want all the time. 

14:31 

So this is the deal. After years of societal training on how to be nice, I love this stage in my life where I'm finally learning to be kind, I'm learning to set boundaries and create healthy relationships, and I'm acting from a place of self-worth and it's a beautiful place to be. So let's get out there and kill them with kindness this week, shall we? I love growing up, don't you? I love this place in my life. I just feel like this is the best time of my life because all the puzzle pieces are coming together and  I'm becoming the person that I really feel like I was meant to be and I hope that you are too. 

15:19 

So if you would like to receive some personal help from me on how to learn to be more kind or just navigate some tough situations with more clarity, contact me at tanyahale.com and book a free 20 minute coaching session to get you started. I would love to be a voice for kindness for you as well. So in closing, if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, do a few things for me, will you? Will you subscribe? Will you leave me a review and will you share this with your friends? I just have a very important message and I feel passionate about getting it out and sharing it with you and sharing it with those people who you want to have better relationships as well. So that'll do it for today. I hope that you have a spectacular day and that you move forward in kindness. So have a terrific one and I'll talk to you later. 

16:09 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.