00:00 

Well, hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale, and this is episode number 130, "Exploring Our Darkness." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dream...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hey there, everyone. So nice to have you here with me today. Thank you for showing up. If you are new, welcome to the podcast. I hope what you find here is helpful, and it helps move you into a better emotional space where you just find greater contentment and understanding and satisfaction in your life. And if you are not new, if you've been here many times before, welcome back. Thank you for continuing to come, and thank you for sharing this. I'm just so, so touched by the notes that I get about people who love this and people who are sharing it, and I thank you for doing that and for helping to share information that makes the world, hopefully, a better place. That's my goal and my intention. 

01:08 

This is the Monday before Christmas, right? And so it's almost on us. If you're wondering about life coaching for the new year, how do I start this new year off in a good place? This is a great way to do it. This is a beautiful Christmas gift for you or for someone else. And just moving into a better place for ourselves is always an amazing gift that we can give to ourselves. And so consider it. Look at coaching. You can get on my website or on my Facebook page, and you can sign up for a free consult to find out more about coaching, to actually get coached, if that's what you would like. It's a great opportunity to find a little bit more about what's going on in your brain and what's happening, which is what I do as a life coach. I don't give you advice. I help you see what's going on in your brain and how that is creating or not creating the life that you want. It's pretty amazing beautiful process. 

02:09 

So moving on today, we're going to be talking about exploring our darkness. So I came across this Brene Brown quote recently and I was just so intrigued that I decided that I wanted to explore this idea with you. 

02:23 

So Brene says, this is in her book "The Gifts of Imperfection." It's right at the beginning, page six. She says, "owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy. The experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." So good, right? There were two phrases that really stood out to me. The first one was the phrase "explore the darkness." Now, in considering exploring our darkness, Brene is not talking about living a dark life to explore what it's like there. This doesn't mean to seek out evil, right? That's not the kind of darkness she's talking about. What it does mean to me is the ability to look within ourselves and see things that keep us from experiencing the light, our light and Christ's light. What things are holding us back from truly moving forward and progressing into a better, more Christlike version of ourselves? 

03:38 

I was listening to a podcast, and I do not remember which one it was, so I apologize to the owner of this idea. She talked about when we take the sacrament and what an opportunity that is for us to take a piece of darkness within ourselves and place it on the sacrament table as our offering, like we're offering our sacrifice on the altar. And Christ then takes that darkness and, as we take the sacrament into our bodies, it's as though he's replacing that little spot of darkness that we just gave up with light. And that's what fills our soul little by little. We exchange out this darkness for this lightness. And so this is kind of what that phrase reminded me of, was that place of becoming more and more filled with light and giving up our darkness, or what we sometimes call our "shadow self," little bit at a time. I love that imagery for me. 

04:46 

So moving on the other phrase in her quote that intrigues me is "."owning our story So to me this means that we embrace the 50-50 in our lives. We own our strengths and our weaknesses, our good and our bad. We own our positive and our negative, right? And again, it's not celebrating the weaknesses, the bad and the negative, but rather accepting them as part of our humanness, part of our story of what we get to work through in this life experience. I think the reason this is so  intriguing to me is because I've spent so many of my adult years feeling embarrassed for my 50-50, feeling as though I needed to hide the 50% struggle or get to the point where I didn't even have them anymore, which is ridiculous because that doesn't happen ever. But I felt that those parts made me "less than" in some ways. I was not living in my humaneness and giving myself permission to not have it all together. Because of this, I was not living in the light in the awareness that I was being held back, that I was not progressing, that I had so many things to clean up and repent of in my life. I wasn't living there because I didn't want to look and see the flaws. I was convinced that I didn't have that place going on, right? And that I could convince other people of that. 

06:14 

Now I definitely don't think I'm 100% abnormal in this space of living in ignorance and I'm positive I'm not even close to living fully in the light yet. It's just such a process to move into this greater awareness and it's a process to become aware that there is a greater awareness even, right? I think there were a lot of things that kept me from exploring my own darkness and starting into the light. Probably the biggest has been my lack of understanding about what the darkness was. The vast majority of my being a mom-with-kids-at-home stage was spent with a very simple understanding of this darkness. And I had no concept that I was living in so much darkness. I felt that if I was living the commandments of God and really striving to be kind to others, to do the basics, like read the scriptures and pray every day and go to the temple regularly and fast and take care of my physical body, living the law of chastity, et cetera, that I was living in the full light available to me. There was a very literal form of obeying the commandments that was keeping me from being aware that there was light I was missing because I was thinking that living the gospel was a checklist, right? 

07:27 

So when we are only living in the literal version of the commandments, we don't start to see the greater growth that is available as we learn to think for ourselves and grow into an emotional and spiritual maturity that requires deeper understanding. God also tells us that we should not have to be commanded in all things. I believe this means that He expects us to think for ourselves. Obedience to the commandments of God and the commandments of God is often referred to as the first law of obedience, right? First, because it's the first step on the path. And like a young child who's expected to do what they are told, eventually they need to grow into someone who understands the why and the when and the how. 

08:16 

We must grow past the literal interpretation of the commandments to understand the deeper meanings behind them. And I was just stuck in this literalness of the commandments for a long time. So as I've mentioned before, it was about a year after my divorce that I encountered Brené Brown's work for the first time. And I initially listened to a five hour presentation she gave called "The Power of Vulnerability" and it blew my mind. This was my first foray into starting to understand the vulnerability and empathy available to us, and that there was so much more going on for my spiritual growth than just a checklist. At first I checked this presentation out from the library and I listened to it driving around in my van three times back to back until I had to turn it back in. I was so astounded by what I was learning. And after a few weeks, when I could check it out again, I did and then I eventually just bought my own copy because it was getting me in touch with concepts that I never knew existed, light that I never knew existed. It was introducing me to a darkness in myself that I never knew existed. 

09:29 

I had no idea that I was the one holding me back from a depth of emotional connectedness that I longed for. I had spent years blaming my husband for that. I had this belief that if I was doing all the things, you know, the checklist that I just shared that I was doing everything I could to be closer to God and to Christ. But here's the thing: I was doing all those things and I still felt emotionally disconnected to myself, to God, and Christ, and to other people in my life. And I did love deeply and I cherished people and I tried really hard to be more loving and kind and just an overall good person. But Brene Brown introduced me to the idea that there were concepts I knew nothing about that were keeping me in the dark, that were not allowing me to fully bathe in the glorious light of God's plan for me. They were keeping me from owning my story, growing into my greatest self, right? I don't know why it took me so long to start to learn these concepts. I'm sure that there are multiple reasons, but whatever it was, I'm grateful that I've been able to change the trajectory of my emotional life and feel as though I am moving into the light more than ever before. So just being completely unaware that there is more available is one aspect that keeps us from exploring our darkness and moving into greater light. 

10:51 

But there's another way that we hold ourselves back. This is when we start to get an idea that something is missing and it  sits on the peripheral of our consciousness and we refuse to look at it because it's scary and overwhelming. Or maybe we don't even feel like something is missing. Maybe we can kind of know what it is, but we don't dare look at it, right? This is a place where we are scared of the darkness. We're afraid that if we look at it, that we will be so overcome with how horrible we are that we may not ever recover, right? Anyone besides me scared of their own darkness sometimes? When I work with my coach, I just say all the things I'm thinking. Sometimes I'm shocked by the darkness that comes out, but only when I see it can I bring it into the light, address it, and move forward. It's like we have this cellar that is dark and scary and we refuse to open the doors. In fact, we may find ourselves sitting on the doors or even putting big rocks on the doors to keep that from opening. We are so terrified of what we may discover about ourselves if we open the doors. "What if I find out that I'm not a good person? What if I find out that I have these dark, deep thoughts like that make me evil," right? Which most generally is not the case, right? But here's the thing: if we're to grow, to expand as a person, we have to be willing to open the doors and see what's in there. Only when we pull up that door and let light shine into the darkness, can we see it for what it is. That's when the darkness can be overcome by the light. 

12:32 

I know that in my life, when I have faced my fear of that thought lurking in the shadows of my consciousness, when I've decided to pull it forward and take a look at it, I've found that although it can seem a little overwhelming and a little dark, it has never been as bad and as overwhelming as I was anticipating. I've worked it up in my mind to this worst case scenario, thinking that I'll pull out this piece of me that completely throws me into the depths of despair. I imagine that I'll go into a depression and then I can't get out of bed and then I lose my job because I don't go to work and then I'm gonna lose my home. Okay, any of you know this worst case scenario drill? Right, but the truth of the matter is, I've never even come close to that worst case scenario. Personally, it's fascinating that our primitive brain wants so desperately to avoid discomfort that it goes to this worst case scenario place. And discovering our dark thoughts can be uncomfortable for sure, but the best case scenario is just as likely. Okay? We could open the cellar doors, see what's down there, shrug our shoulders, maybe laugh at the ridiculousness of that thought and move on with more enlightenment about what we are and who we are than before. Generally, I land somewhere between the two scenarios, but it has never been as horrible as I thought, as my primitive brain has led me to believe. When I finally summon the courage to really look at that thought I've been avoiding, it can be painful for sure. But what it also does is put me on the road to healing. 

14:11 

So let me give you an example from my own life and I've shared this example before, but it continues to amaze me and I alluded to it last week. So I always thought that I was this great mom because I did all the things. All the checklist things: laundry was always done, my kids always had clean folded hung up clothing. We ate great meals in my home. We were generally on time for things. My kids were clean. They bathed on a regular basis and they cleaned their teeth. They did well in school. They were playing sports and they did great at sports. You know, all the things, all the things every good mom should do. When I was looking at getting divorced, I was doing my certification for the John Maxwell team and there was a survey to give to your employees that discussed the kind of environment that you were creating as a leader. So I thought it would be great to make a few adjustments and give it to my four children who at the time were, I think, 20, 18, 15, and 13. 

15:11 

So I'll be honest, I was giving it to them because with a divorce looming, I was looking for some validation that I was not a failure. I thought for sure my children would praise me and all of the questions would come back letting me know what a great mom I was. Turns out doing all the things did not make me the mom that I thought I was. When they gave me back their anonymous surveys, I was completely stymied. I was just like, "what the, I don't get this," right? These surveys didn't show that my children felt safe around me or emotionally supported. They didn't feel that I loved them unconditionally and that they could make mistakes, and they felt overwhelmed by my unrealistic expectations. Where I was at the time, I was not ready to see the darkness that they were offering me. I wasn't ready to go into a space to acknowledge that I wasn't a great mom. 

16:09 

So after reading through their answers and justifying that they just didn't understand me because they were young and they couldn't see me clearly, I took those surveys, I stuck them away and I didn't look at them for about four and a half years. Now my children had given me a slight awareness that was something was off, but being scared of what those surveys said about me as a person, I pushed it into the cellar and I sat on the doors. I was vaguely aware that something was going on, but I refused to look at it and see it for what it was. To be honest, I wasn't sure that I could handle being told I was a horrible mom on top of going through a divorce. and feeling like a marriage failure in that aspect. So I think that's one reason why I  kind of shoved it to the side and just did that whole justification thing. 

16:58 

But here's what I found: as I healed from my divorce, I was stronger emotionally to start looking at some of those pieces that were hiding in the cellar of my mind. I was vaguely conscious of them but still scared to really open the doors and take a look. But over the next couple of years after my divorce, I started during that time to shine light on some of my own dysfunctional darkness in my marriage. And being able to become aware of these behaviors and work on them, it made me stronger and more capable emotionally. And the more I became aware of my darkness in that area, in my marriage, the more I realized and acknowledged it was actually more liberating than not. Because once I started seeing my weaknesses and flaws, things that I had never even know existed before, the more I could work on making adjustments that I felt needed to be made. And the more I started moving into the person I really wanted to become, right? At first, I was focused a lot on my marital flaws and really working to see my part in the demise of our marriage, rather than just constantly blaming my ex husband. But this is what I found. So much of the darkness I found in myself permeated other areas of my life as well. 

18:21 

So last winter, it's been probably 10 or 11 months ago, I don't know, something like that, I was doing some deep cleaning and I came across those surveys that were now four and a half years old. And as I read through them, I could see it all. I could see why my children had felt that I was not a safe emotional space. I could see why they felt I was judgmental and I didn't love them unconditionally. It made perfect sense to me. I was no longer scared of the darkness within me. So now I could see it and I was willing to look at it and see it for what it was. And then from this space, I was able to start working specifically on my relationships with my children. We had a really long heart to heart where I actually pulled out the surveys and while bawling, read them what the survey said. Because my one son was like, "wait, I wanna hear, what did we say?" Because I was talking about how enlightening it was for me. And I read it to them, cried the whole time. I apologized for what I didn't know then and I promised to work on creating a safer emotional space in the future for them. And promising that I was going to keep working on becoming more the kind of person that I really wanted to be. This ended up being such a pivotal moment in my relationship with the three of my children that were there for this. We had what would be one of our first really emotionally safe discussions ever. I was no longer afraid of not being a good mom because I've learned to embrace so much more my 50-50, my humanness. I knew I was doing the best I knew how at the time. I also knew that I could move forward into a better space. 

20:15 

But the time does come that we need to acknowledge those lurking thoughts on the peripheral of our consciousness. We have to be willing to really engage with them and not just keep avoiding looking at them. This is where our power comes from. This is where our liberation comes from. This is where our joy and our connection to others comes from. This is where we start to own our own story, to own ourselves, to really know and step into what we are meant to become. What a blessing the grace of God is. During this process, He carefully shows us one piece at a time as we're emotionally prepared to receive. But it is necessary that we ask Him to see our darkness, trusting in Him and His wisdom to carefully guide us down into the cellar where we can engage with our darkness and know how to move forward. 

21:11 

To wrap up, I want to read Brené's quote again. She said, "Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our whole lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy, the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." I have experienced this myself as I mustered the courage to really try to see my part in my dysfunctional marriage. And again, when I was willing to look at how many of these same behaviors pushed my children away and actually created the opposite of what I wanted to create. And this is the thing, I know I will need to encounter my darkness over and over and over again, because that is the process of this life. That is what it means to be human, continually engaging with our darkness so that we can become more light. The darkness maybe seems scary and overwhelming, but it is only in walking into the dark that we can discover the light. 

22:32 

I love growing up. Don't you love it so much? Okay, my friends, You need to get to a better place. I can help you get unstuck. I can help you move into this space that you want to by helping you see your thoughts. Contact me at tanyahale.com. You can book your free 30 minute coaching question and answer session. If you are enjoying this podcast, please subscribe, please share, please leave a review, and let's keep moving forward, you and I, shall we? Okay, that's going to do it for me  today. Have an awesome, awesome week and I will see you next time. Ciao! 

23:15 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!